Too sick to live, too well to die.

And so my frail, fragile father lays on his hospital bed as his organs shutdown. Stuck in a greyzone waiting for nature to take its course – as the nurse put it.

My heart breaks to see him like this. We’ve had the meaningful chats. Now it’s time to try and somehow distract ourselves from the inevitable.

Whenever inevitability decides to come.

Twice rescued and bought extra time. Extra time well used till now.

Family have gathered, friends have visited. Memories replayed, all the unsaid things now said. A final drink or two, the ‘pre-wake party’ Dad called it. He always did like to be present for a drink and a chat.

The long slow painful years of decline have disappeared into the rear vision mirror, and now before us all is a new reality Like an animal stuck in the head lights – life and death are frozen in front of us all.

I think he resents the decisions I made telling the doctors to go ahead with treatment. Yet he did want to find out if there was a miracle cure, a way out.

There wasn’t and here we are in the greyzone, lost and not sure where to go; trapped in each day trying to make the best of each opportunity. My sister’s coaxing him for another walk to the cafe, I chat about the football team; if only he could stay for them to win another championship he would be an immortal- a championship is galaxy light years away.

Perhaps the arrival of the great-grand child will come forward and his inevitability will be delayed so they will coincide? They are now rushing towards each other; will their timing be right to meet?

We’ve had the extended time but he’s had enough.

Still yet this zone, this extra time, is a privilege. We’ve shared and said all the things we wanted to say, held each other, shared a drink, shed a few tears, had a few laughs.

I’m sad and yet unlike other stories we’ve had the privilege, the wonderful opportunity to be here together. Joined moments to remember our shared history.

He has had, we’ve all had, the opportunity to prepare. Unlike so many others, an opportunity he didn’t have for his son who was suddenly gone.

But now I wish I could lead Dad out of this zone.